I thought wrongly.
I thought I’ll be happier
But I don’t.
I thought things will improve immensely
But it got worse.
I hate to feel this sick feeling in my gut.
How naïve of me
To actually hope for better things
When I’m further sucked into this stupor.
Such a rut.
Such a coward not to pull myself out
From this mess I’m in!
Are they any glint of happiness?
That might seep through these dark clouds
Which are hanging permanently over my mind?
When will I be seeing things clearly?
To feel lucky and be thankful
Or I might already be but didn’t realize it?
I wrote that quite sometimes ago. What I felt at those times was, well, I think it’s a mild depression. Even reading it now makes me sad. I was so down and felt low. Everything just turned out wrongly, most plans were squashed, and some hopes were dashed and I was livid with myself. Oh! how I swam in the pool of my own guilt! Feel like I failed myself. I know I deserved better but things just didn’t come/go my way. Sad, how sometimes you really longed for something but it’s not meant to be yours. I learnt to accept the grace of life long time ago. It’s hard but I knew I tried. There’s not so much of particular event or person, it’s just the whole general frustrating outlook which are really affecting me (and my mental!) at that time. Ok, maybe there WERE events and people involved but for the sake of writing and pouring my heart out here, let’s focus on me, shall we? Anyway, I got a grip of myself. It didn’t just happen la, I, for one, have to refocus my motives and collect my thoughts again. Somehow, I stop blaming myself (and others) for whatever things had happened and its inflicted pains. And I feel better, actually, I felt like some of heavy luggage had been taken from my back. Crazy! But the way I see it, I’m more happy and accepting myself better after I came to term with my past mistakes and decided its best to move forward. You should too, you know?
I thought I’ll be happier
But I don’t.
I thought things will improve immensely
But it got worse.
I hate to feel this sick feeling in my gut.
How naïve of me
To actually hope for better things
When I’m further sucked into this stupor.
Such a rut.
Such a coward not to pull myself out
From this mess I’m in!
Are they any glint of happiness?
That might seep through these dark clouds
Which are hanging permanently over my mind?
When will I be seeing things clearly?
To feel lucky and be thankful
Or I might already be but didn’t realize it?
I wrote that quite sometimes ago. What I felt at those times was, well, I think it’s a mild depression. Even reading it now makes me sad. I was so down and felt low. Everything just turned out wrongly, most plans were squashed, and some hopes were dashed and I was livid with myself. Oh! how I swam in the pool of my own guilt! Feel like I failed myself. I know I deserved better but things just didn’t come/go my way. Sad, how sometimes you really longed for something but it’s not meant to be yours. I learnt to accept the grace of life long time ago. It’s hard but I knew I tried. There’s not so much of particular event or person, it’s just the whole general frustrating outlook which are really affecting me (and my mental!) at that time. Ok, maybe there WERE events and people involved but for the sake of writing and pouring my heart out here, let’s focus on me, shall we? Anyway, I got a grip of myself. It didn’t just happen la, I, for one, have to refocus my motives and collect my thoughts again. Somehow, I stop blaming myself (and others) for whatever things had happened and its inflicted pains. And I feel better, actually, I felt like some of heavy luggage had been taken from my back. Crazy! But the way I see it, I’m more happy and accepting myself better after I came to term with my past mistakes and decided its best to move forward. You should too, you know?
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